A secret life of a Switch

When I first set foot into playroom & dungeon lifestyle, I found myself very confused and very frustrated.

Deep down I always knew how I long being tied up, spanked, flogged, dominated – which any nice guy would instantly questions my sanity if I ever ask them to do those things to me.  But when I started to learn being a submissive, I started to question my decision over and over again. Apparently by submissive standard, I didn’t fit the boxes. My trainer then released me from my training with remarks: not a submissive material, uncommitted, and too bratty. Huff!

Just to make things worse, when I met strong submissive personality, I couldn't help the urge to protect, to dominate. Somehow this type of personality triggered my territorial nature to eliminate any thread that would harm them, and pull them close under my wings, to provide what they need, to nurture them.

These mix feelings were so confusing and frustrating as they were constantly pulling me into different directions: submissive and dominant, bottom and top, masochist and sadist, prey and hunter. I am not talking about 50-50 percent separate portion here like Yin-Yang, but it’s more like Dr. Robert Bruce Banner & Hulk, or Jacob Black & the reddish-brown werewolf (Twilight saga) where the two sides of role are merged into one identity. The submissive me wants to submit, to please, to obey, to serve, while the dominant me wants to challenge, to fight, to hunt, to rule. Suppressing one of the two is not an option either, as the unfulfilled side will keep banging the door and lurking in the hallway.

I heard about Switch and wondering if I was one of them.  But finding a Switch as Trainer or Mentor was challenging at that time. Firstly, most Switches won’t be openly identifying themselves as a Switch in the BDSM community. In the world where Dom/me and sub are the official standard roles, there's no official place yet for a Switch. Secondly, most Switches were trained for one role only and they kept the other side in the dark. That made trained, skilled, experienced, willing to train/mentor Switches were as rare as blue/pink diamond.

Another challenge was, finding the right Dom. The submissive me doesn’t submit to everyone, I only drawn to alpha Dom/me who displayed strength, confidence, intelligence, dominance. Because the dominant me instinctively saw Dom/me who tried to top me as a play mate for flatworms fencing battle - which I play to win then leave. And most alpha Dom/me were interested in M/s relationship with "pure" submissive only. So statistically, my chance was quite slim.

I almost gave up when I finally met my Dom. He recognized me as a Switch and to my surprise he was open to the idea for me to embrace both of my submissive and dominant sides (yay!). Some special arrangements were made though in order to accommodate my Switch nature, such as:

• We decided to go with D/S/s – Dominant/Switch/submissive – relationship instead of M/s. This was new territory for us.My Dom was having M/s type in his last relationship.

• My Dom simplified most of the submissive rules of conduct and protocols, and finally came up with a personalized standard that work for both of us.

• The submissive training was set in slow and steady pace, which caused longer time to complete, but the extra time help us to strengthen our bond, confidence, and trust towards each other.

• My Dom later on introduced me with two other dominants as my Trainer and Mentor to help to shape up my dominant side.

At the moment I am registered as a member in a small local BDSM group where my Dom and Mentor are also having membership. Everyone knows everybody within the group, so they know I am a Switch. I get my free choice in term of which side I’d want to go with, including as a Switch, in all group activities. But when I play with my regular play partners, I let my dominant side out to play. Outside our group, I rarely identify myself as a Switch to avoid silly - unnecessary conversation with others about it.

Lately I found more and more Switches came forth in Fetlife, blogs, and other BDSM community channels to speak out concerns and thoughts about the struggle, misconception, mislabeled most Switches were gone through. I think this is an outstanding progression because I personally believe being a Switch is a wonderful thing. The ability to feel, to live, to experience both end of spectrum and still stand strong as one whole identity are not everyone's journey. It's okay for not understanding it, but let's not put a negative label just because the unknown scares us. We are all Protégé in this life after all.

xoxo - your fun lovers!